humor

"No man can put a chain about the ankle of his fellow man without at last finding the other end fastened about his own neck."

"Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth."

"Good evening, my name is Bill Hicks. I've been on the road now doing comedy 12 years, so, uh, bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. … I'm kinda tired o…"

"There are two things for Brother Harris this week. The bad thing is, he has to cover me. The good is he can save 15 percent by switching his auto insurance to Geico."

"The most destructive habit is criticizing; next comes blaming, but any of the habits are more than capable of disconnecting you from a person you want to be close with."

"“Thank you very much, sir,” said Beth with nothing resembling actual gratitude."

"An intelligent woman is a woman with whom one can be as stupid as one wants."

"I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion."

"When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want em now!"

"Burden not the back of Aries, Leo, or Taurus, with thy faults, nor make Saturn, Mars, or Venus, guilty of thy Follies."

"Have you, with your work, made anyone glow? Erupted their sorrow? Evicted their woe? Have you been anyone's consolation through a night? Have you evoked unrehearsed emotion? Chiseled a crack in someon…"

"“Contrary to popular opinion, innovation without some standardized conceptual framework is tantamount to chaos."

"The only great actor I have worked with who was not in any sense a star — there was no great publicity about him, no scandal about him, none of the attitude to stardom."

"As the skipping rope hit the pavement, so did the ball. As the rope curved over the head of the jumping child, the child with the ball caught the ball. Down came the ropes. Down came the balls. Over a…"

"In the contemporary economy, however, and with the labor relations of post-Fordism, mobility increasingly defines the labor market as a whole, and all categories are tending toward the condition of mo…"

"The child speaks words with his memory long before he speaks them with his tongue."

"‘Alf Todd,’ said Ukridge, soaring to an impressive burst of imagery, ‘has about as much chance as a one-armed blind man in a dark room trying to shove a pound of melted butter into a wild-cat’s ear wi…"

"A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles."

"On those shoulders of the garden, August’s unkempt and harridan luxuriance had expanded into silent hollows of enormous burdocks, holding sway with their flaps of shaggy, leafy tin plate, straggling t…"

"With a sweet kiss, off the glass..."