Rodney Dangerfield

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet."

"If all goes well, about a week. If not, about an hour and a half."

"When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment."

"I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel."

"What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."

"When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my ca…"

"What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend."

"I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself."