Simon Munnery

"It is said that over time, owners come to resemble their dogs. But does that excuse auntie Hilda from shitting in the garden?"

"It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother."

"Look at the sea and remember the past. Look at the sky and imagine the future. Look at the land and think of the present. And in the most profound place where land, sea and sky are one - there ye shal…"

"Why do men die before their wives? Could it be because they want to?"

"You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive."

"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle."

"I was walking down the road the other day, and I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the world is. And I thought to myself "Why would anyone in their right mind bother to take drugs?". Then I remem…"

"You may think I'm cruel to the monkey, but you only see the tip of the iceberg, for the monkey is cruel to me. It hits me when I sleep. It sleeps when I hit it. Imagine how impotent that makes me feel…"