"Let me tell you something; I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish."

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“This is a sad day for the Emmy's. It is, however, a good day for Larry David. I imagine the wife will be forthcoming tonight.”

“One thing about Hitler that I admire is that he wouldn't take any shit from magicians.”

“Listen, this is crazy. I look like I'm 75 years old. Nobody wants to watch an old man being funny. That's just a fact. No one wants to see this old man on TV.”

“I have to let him know that he's potentially destroying his movie, that he could be making a terrible, terrible error. I needed to let him know that I didn't know or think that I was capable of doing this.”

“I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.”

“I've had some experience in this arena. So it wasn't foreign to me to have a woman say she doesn't want to see me anymore.”

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