"All the sincerity in Hollywood you could stuff in a flea's navel and still have room left to conceal eight caraway seeds and an agent's heart."

“Sullivan will be successful as long as other people have talent.”

“Imitation is the sincerest form of television.”

“A good comedian can say things funny and other guys just say funny things.”

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized”

“I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.”

“I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.”