Michael McIntyre

"Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."

"So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a …"

"My son's got two words: "car" and "map", that's all he can say. "Car, car, map, car!" I'm fairly worried he's trying to escape. So if the next word is "passport," we're in serious trouble."

"It's worth £5.40 to have that moment where you stop, then you come through and there are no lanes! It takes a very strange sort of man who doesn't go: 'The race is on! Come on, woohoo! First one to th…"

"Scottish Guy heckled... "You're a bastard, Michael." … Oh I might not be, but I know that's the first word of a newborn Scottish baby!"

"I think you'll find pal, that's legal tender."

"It's never enough to say you’re from London, people want to know exactly where you’re from. They see it as more of a test of their own geographical knowledge. You say "I’m from London" people go "Wher…"

"We don't need your English bastard pounds! We're our own country, we'll have our own bloody money, eh?!" "Would you like your own currency?" "Ah, it's complicated mathematically. Let's just have yours…"