Dave Attell

"Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring to…"

"I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Yeah? You know what’s a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outta there. It’s boring. During the day we played the game of horseshoes. That game…"

"People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me “Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?” I’m lik…"

"Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, d…"

"Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? Yo…"

"I'm drinking Jack and I started blacking out. You ever black out? Or as I call it, time travel? You ever do that? Oh yeah! You know how it is -- you're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in …"

"You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but y…"

"You gotta make your own fun . That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about."