Gabriel Iglesias

"I celebrated my 21st birthday here, and that was the last time I drank in El Paso. You folks don't mess around, you know? Everyone was going, "It's your birthday," I was like, "It's my birthday!" "Do …"

"You know when you're drunk, you're like , behind you, you hear "Shut up, stupid!" You know, if you hear the magical sound , one of two things will pop in your head. Either one, "I'm okay, I'm fine...I…"

"I accidentally wound up at this "dance...place", gentleman clubby place. I wasn't driving, it was an accident; we pulled up to the place, ya know , ah! I knew where I was, you can be drunk and know wh…"

"People ask me, "Why do you drink diet soda?" So I can eat regular cake!"

"The next thing I know, I'm on the set of the movie Magic Mike. The movie is directed by a director named Steven Soderbergh, who's an amazing, amazing director, he's done a lot of great films. And, of …"

"My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know. They gotta be, you know. Check this out. I get pulled over one night coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thr…"

"And then I realized I was being checked out by GUYS! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I can turn on a ma…"

"Three years ago, I bought a Beetle, not even thinking. That's not the joke, shut up. See? I can't even tell you guys a story. I wasn't thinking, I bought the car, because it was affordable, economical…"