"I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?"

“The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.”

“I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.”

“Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!”

“I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.”

“I saw my father's penis once. But it was okay, because I was soooo young … and sooo drunk.”

“This is AIDS. AIDS is as real as an egg.”