"We have comic book bad guys. Osama Bin Laden is right out of a fucking comic book. Think about it: He's a billionaire genius...who hates us! He lives in a cave. He used to work for the good guys and got all their secrets, and then he switched over to the dark side. And every time they almost capture him, he mysteriously gets away, and leaves behind a threatening tape. What is this, a fuckin' Stan Lee production?"

“I personally think confession was just someone's idea of a sick joke. One dude came up with it, then he died, and he forgot to tell everyone he was only fuckin' around. Think about the idea of confession...You take a guy who's not allowed to masturbate, or have sex, ever, then you make him wear a costume, then he has to sit in a dark booth, and listen to fuck stories whispered through a hole in the wall!”

“2006 and pot is still controversial. That's hilarious. Pot's still illegal and no one has a jet pack. What the fuck is going on?! Isn't this Silicon Valley? Where's the jet packs, bitch?! I just wanna go up to everyone making cell phones and say, "Hey, that's small enough. Stop right there. Just keep them working." 72 inch TV? That's plenty big, dude. Just keep them working. No, you'll never get pot and you'll never get a jet pack. And you'll certainly never get the two of them at the same time. Civilization would fucking crumble. Be honest, would you work? 'Cuz I wouldn't work. Who the fuck is gonna show up for work at the mortgage company when you can smoke pot and fly?!”

“Ladies, please listen to me, don't you ever take relationship advice from a guy you don't wanna fuck, okay? Because let me tell you something: if you don't wanna fuck him, chances are a lot of other girls don't wanna fuck him either; and that guy is gonna say whatever he needs to to make you happy....He says crazy shit. He told this one man that masturbating is just as bad as cheating on his wife. I fucking shit you not! If I had a gun in my hand I woulda Elvis'd that TV.”

“When women go to see men strip, we never accuse you of hating men.”

“Some people don't believe in aliens. I do believe in aliens. But I believe they gave up on people a long time ago. Wouldn't you? I think there's a few liberal aliens out there, still hangin' in,”

“I am not homophobic; I am cock-conscious.”