"You know the stripper myth? There's a stripper myth that's being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, I'm strippin' to pay my tuition. No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, man, I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!."

“I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan! Shit, I'd be doing a drive-by from here to Brooklyn!”

“So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America … but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's trying keep the Feds off her back.”

“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.”

“That tiger ain't go crazy; that tiger went tiger! You know when he was really crazy? When he was riding around on a unicycle with a Hitler helmet on! "Oh, shit! I'm a crazy tiger!”

“Here's the thing. I know it's hard being a cop. I know it's hard. I know that shit's dangerous. I know it is, OK? But some jobs can't have bad apples. OK? Some jobs, everybody gotta be good. Like— pilots. You know? American Airlines can't be like, "You know, most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples, that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.”

“Is it just me, or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen in your life? Every time Jermaine comes on, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen! Can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on. Even the police can't catch his ass, 'cause every time they try, he just slips out! They be like, "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga! Please!”