"We always have a tradition at our family reunion, we always have the family tug-of-war, and this year it was my dad's side of the family against my sister-in-law. She wins every year! I swear, she runs on diesel. That's a fat bastard, right there! She went on a diet one time, Little Debbie laid off 500 employees. Last Halloween, she dressed in white, came as a blizzard."

“Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?”

“You can always tell when gas is expensive. You always see street gangs doing walk-bys.”

“A buddy of mine was mad at his son the other day 'cause he got caught having sex with his teacher. I thought, "Hey, that's pretty cool!" Problem was, he was home-schooled.”

“Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'. .”

“I'll tell ya the one thing you don't wanna buy at the dollar store - toilet paper. I might as well have just used the dollar.”

“You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's, and then go to the toilet and sit in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool? You ever do that? Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam.”