"I'm kinda out of shit. Not in this set, I mean I have some stuff I put on paper. But in the long term, I think I'm outta shit. fucking cannibalizing my own— seventeen years, how much more do you have to say? If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young. Every time an artist dies young- Kurt Cobain, or whatever, there's always the people "It's so sad, he had so much more to give." — How do you know? Maybe he was out of shit. How do you know? He's done. He got all the money, he did all the drugs, he fucked all your holes. And that's the American Dream, and when you're done with that you go "Oh, that's why they call it a dream. — It's bullshit, I'm still empty." And he cashed out. How do you know what any artist had left? How do you know if Jimi Hendrix hadn't had died he wouldn't have wound up doing Superbowl half-time duets with Elton John right now?"

“If you're offended by any word, in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.”

“Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!”

“Proof of the afterlife is this: if there were no afterlife, how could my mother have bought me and my friends so many nice things from the SkyMall catalogue on her credit card four days after she passed from this Earth? Answer me that, Your Honor! Answer me that! In fact, I'd like to enter these credit card receipts into evidence against the advice of my attorney! That last piece of that story has special meaning to me because in my entire career, that's the only chunk of material I've ever had that had a statute of limitations before I could comfortably tell it on stage. Three year statute for credit card fraud, after that: fuck you.”

“New York is baffling in that it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shit-hole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.”

“With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.”

“Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!”