Bill Bailey

"Talking of tough gigs, I saw a very tough gig in New York, it was Whitney Houston. She was doing this open-air gig in New York. It was in the winter, and it was like minus eight degrees, in Lincoln Pl…"

"Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet."

"Deep down, it really is just a meaningless lyric, isn't it? "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier". I mean, you may as well be saying "I got ham, but I'm not a hamster"

"BB: So, who here has a guinea pig?Various Audience Members cheerBB: What kind of guinea pig? Muffled suggestions from audience members BB: Nah, you're not serious about it! "I dunno, some brown thing.…"

"Was he a Swiss nationalist, or a nutso with a crossbow? I don't know."

"A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with bal…"

"I'm a vegetarian. I'm not strict; I eat fish, and duck. Well, they're nearly fish, aren't they? They're semi-submerged a lot of the time, they spend a lot of time in the water, they're virtually fish,…"

"I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine"