"Then there's a feller who got hit by a train! How the - how the heck do y'get hit by a train! I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack ya at the last minute or nothin'! There's, like, a railroad there to give ya, y'know, a heads up sign! I tell ya, if you ever gonna get hit by a train, do this: TA-DA! There ya go! Attaboy!"

“Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?”

“You can always tell when gas is expensive. You always see street gangs doing walk-bys.”

“A buddy of mine was mad at his son the other day 'cause he got caught having sex with his teacher. I thought, "Hey, that's pretty cool!" Problem was, he was home-schooled.”

“Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'. .”

“I'll tell ya the one thing you don't wanna buy at the dollar store - toilet paper. I might as well have just used the dollar.”

“You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's, and then go to the toilet and sit in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool? You ever do that? Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam.”