"She was worried about childbirth too cause she's little, you know. She's all scared. She's like, "When I have this kid, I want to be knocked out and unconscious." And I'm like "That's how ya were when you got pregnant!" That's full circle, right there! I did feel bad. That's tough. I'm tellin' ya. I felt horrible for her. Just pushing, and sweating, and screaming at the top of her lungs, and pushing and sweating, biting down on a stick...Ugh! Now she knows how I feel after a couple of Hot Pockets. You ever eat them Hot Pockets? Good Lord! I was backed up like a urinal on Saint Patrick's Day after eating them damn things. It was embarrassing. She's in the bed, giving b- I'm on the toilet next to her, You know? I'm like "I need another Epidural in here if you got one!"

“Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?”

“You can always tell when gas is expensive. You always see street gangs doing walk-bys.”

“A buddy of mine was mad at his son the other day 'cause he got caught having sex with his teacher. I thought, "Hey, that's pretty cool!" Problem was, he was home-schooled.”

“Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'. .”

“I'll tell ya the one thing you don't wanna buy at the dollar store - toilet paper. I might as well have just used the dollar.”

“You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's, and then go to the toilet and sit in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool? You ever do that? Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam.”