"I still feel like I gotta prove something. … There are a lot of people hoping I fail. But I like that. I need to be hated."

“Jay is insane. He's not fit to scrub David Letterman's feet. Yes, I don't know why he's beaten David Letterman in the ratings. It's beyond my comprehension. America must be filled with morons who at night lay in bed -- the ones who are watching him. They must be in a coma.”

“I cut my pubes last night. My hairs were getting longer than my penis.”

“It occurred to me that to have a naked woman on the radio would be outrageous. And yet really who would it offend? It's all theater of the mind. You don't even really know if she's naked or not.”

“I'm in a war, a cultural war.”

“I love America. I love our freedom. And nowhere could a guy like me, a schlub like me have success with -- where would I get this freedom of speech? They don't allow this anywhere.”

“What's wrong with being naked? I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I pay my taxes. I'm a good man. I'm a good father - try to be, anyway. I try to do the right things in life.”