"I'll do all the announcements that you would have heard. Please turn off your cell phones. You can take pictures but turn off the flash. That's stupid, because it's not-- You know when you're watching the World Series and there's all that-- Like your flash is lighting Yankee Stadium. Just leave your flash off. Don't yell out during the show. If you have something you want to say to me... This is what we do. We write it down and then you go outside in the lobby and then you go home and you f-yourself because, that's selfish. This is a rhetorical performance. It's got nothing to do with you. Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing."

“I’ve started to kind of hate people, and it’s not because I have anything against them. It’s just, I enjoy it. It’s recreation.”

“A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species' existence counts on them doing it. I don't know how they...how do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women. Globally and historically, we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women. We're the worst thing that ever happens to them. That's true! You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.”

“Because we don't want the first bit of sad, we put it away with phone,*beep*, for the food, you get a little fell kind of. You're never feel completely sad or completely happy, just feel kind of satisfied with your product. And then you die.”

“I remember reading an article about Frasier when it was going off the air – a very sad obituary from a TV writer who said that Frasier was such a smart show, and it was for the Mensa set. And he gave an example, where he quoted some line about a woman that Frasier thinks is very mean and he says, “Her idea of tough love is the Spanish Inquisition.” And they thought that was very smart—just because he mentioned something from history.”

“Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth.”

“Well, I think “likability” is an overused word. I don’t watch people ’cause I like them; I watch them because they’re compelling. Sympathetic is a little different … Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows.”