"I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St.Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as "The Tail Of Two Cities." I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore."

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“It is a business doing pleasure with you.”

“A likely story — and probably true.”

“I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.”

“Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!”

“I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally"? I never said that.”

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.”

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