"If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my original plan to graduate and become a chartered accountant, perhaps a barrister lawyer, and gotten a nice house in the suburbs, with a nice wife and kids, and gotten a country club membership, and then I would have killed myself."

“A wonderful thing about true laughter is that it just destroys any kind of system of dividing people.”

“If I like chocolate it won't surprise you that I have a few chocolates in my fridge, but if you find out I've got 16 warehouses full of chocolate, you'd think I was insane. All these rich guys are insane, obsessive compulsive twits obsessed with money — money is all they think about — they're all nuts.”

“All humans are stupid, but the smarter ones at least have a handle on their own ignorance.”

“When I was teaching, the headmaster told me "You know, the sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.”

“Podcast to celebrate The Life of Brian”

“If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?”