"Bankers get bonuses... the upper echelon get anywhere from ten million up to a hundred million, and the President of the United States makes like four hundred grand a year. So right there. I've watched enough wrestling to see a rigged game... There's like people with Youtube channels making as much as the leader of the free world. So I just think he's set up to be bribed, and, uh, you act accordingly. So basically anybody who comes at me going, you know, "The conservative right or these liberals..." like, I just zone out. I can't even talk to you if you're actually looking at it like those are two choices that you're getting. You're not... Once you get past a certain level, it just seems like... you've jumped in the river and you act accordingly or you get that convertible ride in Dallas."

“Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse? Sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.”

“Rub one out like a man, it's the champagne of victory.”

“I get sick of people making excuses for her. She blew it. Look, you lost to a guy who said three things a week that would torpedo anybody else's campaign. How do you do that? That's like you're playing a football game and the other team throws twenty interceptions, and you still figure out how to blow it. At what point do you take responsibility? ... You blew it. You. Blew it. You put the wrong team around you, you didn't generate enough excitement to beat this guy who tripping over one coffee table after another...”

“Women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are and no one corrects 'em cause they wanna fuck 'em.”

“There's a critical point, when you've stayed single too long, that your brain switches from "No, don't say that" to "Eh, fuck it. Say it, see what happens.”

“That's what killed me, when Bruce became Caitlin, that was like, a national news story, like at a ridiculous level. There's like, baby seals washing up on the beach cause there's no fish left, and they're talking to this... lady, you know, like, "So Bruce, can your Olympic back handle a D cup or you gonna go with something a little more perky?"... I miss that guy. I miss him already. He should've told us. He should've given us a chance to say goodbye. I watched him on the Olympics. I watched him on Chips. I watched him on that horrible show my wife watched where he just walks around in the background... And then you couldn't react, you couldn't on any level, you couldn't "What the f?" on any level. You couldn't say that or you were automatically homophobic. Like, dude, I didn't hear your inner thoughts. I didn't know what you were doing... You shave your beard off, people are like "Oh my God, that's your chin? Wow!" This guy walked out a dude, came back a woman, and you're just supposed to be like, "Oh yeah, so anyways, Caitlin, ...”