Bill Burr

"I'm not a big fan of Steve Jobs, personally. I dunno, I just don't understand what the big deal was with that guy... I don't get it. But did he? Did he? Did he sit down, "I'm gonna invent the iPhone!"…"

"Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice. – You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil an…"

"Bankers get bonuses... the upper echelon get anywhere from ten million up to a hundred million, and the President of the United States makes like four hundred grand a year. So right there. I've watche…"

"I did roofing in the middle of July as a redhead. I thought that THAT was difficult. But these mothers are bending over at the waist, putting DVDs into DVD players... I don't know how they do it!"

"Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job, alright? You're 35 years old playing hide and go seek... you're living the dream! No time card, no taxes... you're off the fucking…"

"That's what killed me, when Bruce became Caitlin, that was like, a national news story, like at a ridiculous level. There's like, baby seals washing up on the beach cause there's no fish left, and the…"

"Women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are and no one corrects 'em cause they wanna fuck 'em."

"Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse? Sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason married, and you…"