humor

"I emerged from the womb, right, I was wearing a top hat and I had a cane and said: 'Mother, that was an awkward and embarrassing birth. You should be ashamed of yourself dear. Now pull your nightie do…"

"After the chaos and carnage of September the 11th, it is not enough to serve our enemies with legal papers."

"If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it … whose fault is it, the cats o…"

"I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which."

"Conan O'Brienin Twitter-sivu"

"I am sending two of my followers with Mir Hussain Ali. With their assistance, you should capture and kill all Hindus. Those below 20 may be kept in prison and 5,000 from the rest should be killed by h…"

"U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its rep…"

"As Chairman of the Rajya Sabha, he had the awesome task of dealing with some unruly scenes. He did so with aplomb and finesse, often with a witticism that helped defuse the situation."

"I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it."

"I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

"Improvement makes straight roads; but the crooked roads without improvement are roads of genius."

"Mussolini found much of John Maynard Keynes’s economic theories consistent with fascism."

"This next song is called 'Wolf Moon' . Wait with cheering until you hear what the song's about. It's about a guy who turns into a werewolf when he engages in oral sex with a menstruating woman . You w…"

"Chicago was a town where nobody could ever forget how the money was made. It was picked up from floors still slippery with blood."

"In Tainch and Harnali about two dozen Sikhs were killed and brutalities committed in the latter place. About 30 women were abducted from these places and the Gurdwaras were burnt. In Harial about 20 S…"

"a badly constructed or repaired motor, or like that wonderful event of Tinguely's, where he made a huge contraption in the backyard of the Museum of Modern Art called 'Homage to New York', which was a…"

"She made me laugh. I will miss her. Baba Wawa."

"When it comes to computer games, many academics seem to be one step down from judges in their lack of engagement with the real world."

"I got a scope on the barrel thats a hammer with a camera"

"I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself."