Christopher Titus

"Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, : "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

"Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses — did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? … Cows, get on it... MOO!"

"There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or...You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!"

"Every neighborhood on the planet has a house like this on the block. We've all driven past it. A bunch of people living there, too old to be kids, but never gonna be adults... You can tell that by the…"

"My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had le…"

"At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis."

"So Thomas Jefferson said "Every generation needs a new revolution". Now our grandparents had World War II, fought the Nazis. Our parents had the Civil Rights Revolution. Our generation has....Shamwow …"

"Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives."