"What do you call an honest Iranian businessman? Asif."

“I am the only Iranian comedian in the world... and that's three more than Germany!”

“YOU BASTARD! Come to my carpet shop.”

“A Persian Cat! Not an Iranian cat, no: an Iranian cat has a bomb under the body warmer!”

“Semtex... with nowt taken out!”

“Its part of a comedy cultural exchange tour: tonight, I am doing the UK and Jim Davidson is being buggered in Baghdad right now, systematically and without cessation, by United States Troops! Such fun.”

“When the war kicks off in Iran, I will be there. People ask me "Whose side are you going to fight on?" To these people I say "Fight? I'm not going to fight! I'm going to entertain!" Because let's face it, when they see my comedy, they won't have the will to fight. When the American and Iranian troops see the comedy of Omid Djalili, they won't have the will to live! The Daily Mail.”