"Next time you're at the airport, right, this is fun to do. You're at the airport, and you see somebody waiting for their flight, okay. They're sitting there, reading the paper, whatever, just chilling out. This is what you're gonna do, just like this. You're gonna walk over to them really slowly. Just walk over, alright, and stand right in from 'em. Don't say anything. Like, wait till they feel you there, know what I mean? When they finally look up at you, just really seriously look at them right in the eyes and go like this, "Don't get on the flight". You know they're sitting there goin', "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight. Thank you, angel wearing jeans!"

“Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doin' 80?!”

“All you need for this is a pair of gloves. Just take your gloves, right, and go down to the bank. Get in line behind all the people at the bank. And give the person in front of you a nudge, just a little nudge, and they turn around. And when they turn around, start putting the gloves on and go "Now would be a good time to leave...Yeah, right now. Either that or take out a paper and pen and go, hey, how you spell 'Shoot you in the fucking face'? Come on, hurry up. One word? What is it?”

“I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times 'cause they said they thought he had a a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH! *throws pear* THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!”

“We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits. Yeah. You could be man of the year or woman of the universe. You're gonna be in your bathroom one day, goin' "Aah! Ugh! Are there glass shards in my anus?! Aah!" Somewhere, Halle Berry is clutching her Oscar, goin' "Aah! Aah! Why me? I'm an Oscar winner!”

“I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.”

“The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I'm like "There's James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad.”