"Like most true Scots I despise the haggis, the kilt and the caber. Unlike most true Scots, I am not Scottish."

“I went to a funeral the other day. Caught the wreath.”

“You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive.”

“Whatever it says in the bible the truth remains. You can read the bible and dismiss it as nonsense if you like; you can dismiss it as nonsense without reading it to save time if you prefer.”

“Why do men die before their wives? Could it be because they want to?”

“If you only ever read one book in your life... I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut.”

“In this world there are winners and losers. And, of course, 'the others', who comprise the majority.”