"The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down."

“The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.”

“Eternity is very long, especially towards the end.”

“On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

“If I don't kill him he'll make war all through Europe. But murder... the most foul of all crimes. What would Socrates say? All those Greeks were homosexuals. Boy, they must have had some wild parties. I bet they all took a house together in Crete for the summer. A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Heh... I'm not a homosexual. Once, some cossacks whistled at me. I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. You know, some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all, you know... they become lawyers.”

“I'd rather she grew up here than grew up as an orphan, you know I can tolerate anybody's orphans but my own.”

“Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.”