"Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act."

“Sex is two plus two making five, rather than four. Sex is the X ingredient that you can't define, and it's that X ingredient between two people that make both a man and a woman good in bed. It's all relative. There are no rules.”

“Hookers have to deliver on their promise... unlike politicians.”

“I was about five and a half or six when I converted … I was brought up the first five years of my life in London, in the working-class part of the city, where the only animals that a child is liable to see are domestic animals, or cats, or pigeons, or horses, none of which one eats. Then I was evacuated onto a farm when the war came, and billeted with this family of farmers, and I got very friendly with a rabbit—George, the rabbit. Then one day, George the rabbit was George the lunch. For a farming family there was nothing obscene about that. They kill animals; they serve them up at table and say, "Hey, yes, that's the animal you were playing with yesterday!"—which is not abnormal. It was obscene to me as a child.”

“I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.”

“I feel about Keaton the way an organist thinks of Bach.”

“I carry Keaton's photo around with me to remind me what happened to him. If the Hollywood system can destroy him it can destroy me.”