"There is no way I was buying my wife a fucking gun, because, let's be honest, there is no way I wasn't getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sorta like me saying "Y'know, I kinda wanna kill myself...but I want it to be a surprise."

“The FBI and the CIA, I really thought they had everything under control. I thought they knew what was going on with everybody. I thought they had a camera in the air in a satellite right now taking very accurate pictures of my prostate. I thought they had that kind of technology. I thought they knew everything about everybody, but it turns out they’re really no different than many other government bureaucracies, say, the Post Office or the Department of Motor Vehicles. Just, uh, you know, 50-60 year old men waiting for their pensions to kick in. Except for the three that let the attack happen. They’ve been promoted.”

“How many friends do you really have, seriously? You people...like "I have lots of friends." You don't. You have a lot of shallow relationships with people that talk behind your back and you call that drama a life because you hate your job.”

“Where is all the porn coming from?! Why isn't the Christian right talking about porn?! Cause they want us to be jerking off by ourselves! They know they can't get to us; we're lost to them, but at least it'll keep us in our apartments!”

“I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.”

“I think the reason why we're so disconnected and depressing is that...we don't talk to God anymore - or rather, he doesn't talk to us. Remember back in the day? He used to just come out of nowhere. 'Abraham?! Guess who?!...that's right, it's God, you're a genius...' He would then tell them to do something and then BAM! it would get done. Who's he talking to now?!...I don't know! I think he's talking to those homeless guys that talk to themselves. You know, the ones that walk down the street arguing with themselves going 'I can't!...I can't!!!!!' ...what if at the other end of that conversation was 'You're the new leader!' 'I can't!...I can't!!!!!' They're not crazy homeless people...they're reluctant prophets!...better tip them an extra buck the next time you see 'em.”

“He was speaking in congress and he was saying "Why do they hate us? Because of what’s going on right here in this chamber: a democratically elected government. Except for me, of course. I took the presidency in a bureaucratic coup with the help of my father’s friends in the courthouse around the corner.”