"I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc."

“The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.”

“Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love.”

“Please state your name for the camera.”

“I can't live by your rules, man!”

“The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.”

“Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!”