"My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What?! You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."

“Christians shouldn't be allowed near rock and roll. It's not for them! It's not fucking for them! They should all join the Brothers of the Beige or some fucking thing - "The Beige Sisters of Premenstrual Agony." The fucking...! You see them - Christian rock! Is there such a fucking absurdity in the world? "He is my saviour!" That's not rock and roll! That's Youth Club Table Tennis fucking crap! Rock and roll is "I AM THE DEVIL AND I WANNA FUCK YOUR MOTHER!”

“Poos himself on stage, classic Billy”

“Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea! Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short! Fucking idiots! I want to see the instructor: "Right, lads, I'm only going to show you this once..." Fucking pricks! And it depends on what newspaper you read, how many virgins you get for blowing yourself up. How are you gonna shag them when you're now flying mince?!”

“The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.”

“There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!”

“Politically correct is the language of cowardice.”