"Tattoos are cool because they don’t belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don’t like fruit. I don’t like it! Long bike ride? I’m out. Hot dog eating contest? I’m listening."

“I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. Never invite me to a birthday party.”

“If I had a kid, I’d give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I’d call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! 'Cause everybody likes one of those things.”

“I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.”

“I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.”

“Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you fucked a pirate.”

“Ever wrestle your dog 'til you cum?”