"Remember that first year of marriage, you used to argue just so you could make up and have sex? Twenty years later, you're arguing just so they'll sleep in the other room."

“Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't wanna be a jackass...you just pushed my jackass button.”

“Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it.”

“Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey..." "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad.”

“She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains??" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh . . . is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice." And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!”

“Men have three basic needs: Eating, sleeping, sex. That's it.”

“Engvall has an elk hung on the wall.”