Bill Engvall

"My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that . . . discretionary gene yet. We were walking ho…"

"Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch."

"Hey..." You paid to see it... "hey... Ever eaten a worm?" "What? When did you ever eat a worm?" "Oh, one day, me and my buddy were laying on the bank... trying to catch our breath..." - thank you, for…"

"Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a 6-month old baby and a 65 year old man both act the same way. And I'm a big fan. Oh, man, I love 'em! And I ain't picky neither. I hate when I hear guys…"

"A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama...makes for a bitchin' day!"

"Larry's grandmother has died at age 104"

"This year, ladies and gentlemen, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Air Force Thunderbirds. You betcha! They called me up out of the blue, and they go, "Hey, we want you to fly…"

"We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks …"