"How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest. : And how many of you watched the debate expecting Joe Biden to screw up? : And how many of you watched the baseball game knowing the Cubs would screw up?"

“So China's president meets, uh— meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?.”

“Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target.”

“Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.”

“Hillary says she has been tested. Well, I hope so. You never know what Bill might bring home.”

“I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada.”

“The economy is so bad, two Milwaukee men were arrested this week for trying to join ISIS. Did you hear their excuse, they said, "Hey! Nobody else is hiring!" THAT'S how bad it is!”