"Mind not my words — Let the play be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself anon."

“My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug test an African distance runner.”

“There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say "Fuck off!" That man...is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!”

“I was on this German talk show and this woman said to me, she said, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there's not so much comedy in Germany?" I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" And...it was...and here's where it got interesting. She didn't bat an eyelash. She just went "No". At that point, even God's going, "Do you get it?!" German comedy: "Knock-knock--We ask the questions!.”

“I would like to do for you now, a Japanese science fiction movie: "Attack of the Killer Vibrators.”

“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”

“But I know, as beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going, "I knew Gandhi...he was a prick. I saw him sucking down a pork hot dog, hitting on Mother Teresa. He kept saying, 'Who's your diaper daddy? Who's your diaper daddy?'”