"I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away."

“You know those people who let their yawn out and they keep talkin'. "Yeah Tuesday would be pretty good " "Yeah no worries.”

“My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.”

“I saw a bloke the other day talking to himself. So I tried to listen but I couldn't hear him. But the weird part is while I was watching him I was going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there." There's another bloke looking at me going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there.”

“Do you do those secret farts at the supermarket. Quickly piss off to another aisle.”

“Have you ever done those Coca-Cola burps that come out of your nose and eyeballs? You think a burp looks bad! Someone's just thinking "Shit what's wrong with his head.”

“Sometimes you're talkin' and a little bit of spit flies out. You see it floating in the sky and land on 'em. You both see it happen and you go "Ooooh" you're thinkin' "Woops I got him!" He's thinking "Woops he got me!" But no one says anything. Because it's a secret. If his spit lands on me I don't do anything, I don't wipe it straight away, because I don't wanna embarass them. Hey, I've got his spit on my face and I'm worried about his feelings. You go "Sorry Carl" and I go "Nah, nah it's alright, I love being spat on.”