"There's no such thing as advice to the lovelorn. If they took advice, they wouldn't be lovelorn. You see, advice and lovelorn don't go together. Because advice makes love sound like some sort of cognitive activity, but we know that it isn't. We all know that it's some sort of horrible chemical reaction over which we have absolutely no control. And that's why advice doesn't work."

“Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk.”

“The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.”

“Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.”

“Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publication.”

“I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.”

“Women who insist on having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.”