"Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

“For fast acting relief, try slowing down.”

“I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.”

“Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.”

“I swear people don't want sex so much as they want somebody who'll listen to 'em … the first thing you learn after fellatio is how to listen.”

“All my life, I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.”

“Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying — but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?”