"Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable expectations and eventual disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around the room with royal-blue chickens."

“Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk.”

“The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.”

“Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.”

“Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publication.”

“I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.”

“Women who insist on having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.”