"I'm an atheist and I love religion. And I don't love religion in a snarky mean-spirited way; I unabashedly, sincerely love that we have religion because if we didn't, we wouldn't be here right now; being all postmodern and ironic. There'd be no civilization. If no one invented religion, we'd be fucked right now. Because at the dawn of man, civilization was the biggest and the strongest... and that's as far as we're gonna go. It was whoever was the biggest fucked, killed, ate anything they wanted. That was it! Civilization was a huge psychopath with a club goin', "I'm gonna have rape for dinner." That was it! That's as far as we were gonna go. And then one of my ancestors, some weakling, said, "Look there's no way I can beat that guy, but what if I trick him into thinking that if he doesn't kill and rape people while he's down here, when he dies there's a magic city in the clouds and he can go up and have all the cake he wants?" Now that's not a very well formed plan but he went and told the big psycho. And the psycho heard that and said, "Uhh, I like cake." "BOOM! There you go! That was the beginning of civilization. Now we can work on fire and writing and agriculture. That's religion. It's the ol' sky cake dodge; it worked! And by the way, things were great for a while. But then, what was happening then was that shit was going on all over the planet. They would just use different deserts. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky baklava. So as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships; they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go, "Hey, did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?" and the first guy went, "It's CAKE, motherfucker! You're dead!"..."

“Do you realize for the next four years America is gonna be a cool eighties cop flick? "Barack, get your ass in my office now! Did you balance the budget again?!" "Yeah, it was just sitting there, chief..." "You wrecked twenty cars! Senate's gonna have my ass for this." "Eh, whatever, chief." And he rides away in a Camaro on two wheels.”

“I love the fact that I grew up in Sterling, I really do. Because when you're growing up in a nondescript, soulless, boring town, you've been given a present from God. And the present is: The Test of the Small Town. And you pass that test when you go, "I'm leaving before I kill everyone and then myself." That's when you pass. You have passed. You fail when you go, "I'll get a job at the Citgo and fill my truck up for free!" Oops, you fucked up. And the person who administers your test, year after year, until you can't take it any more until you can't take it and you leave, is the movie critic on the local news. That's the guy whose job it is to keep everything relevant and cool and important away from you. You have to get off your ass and go find it on your own initiative.”

“I don't give a shit where the stuff I love comes from! I JUST LOVE THE STUFF I LOVE! Hey, do you like Angelina Jolie? Does she give you a big boner? Well, here's Jon Voight's ball sack!”

“I just want kind of a light brown hillock of glop. If you could put my lunch in a blender, and liquefy it, and then put it into a caulking gun and inject it right into my femoral artery, even better! But until you invent a lunch gun, I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl!”

“You've gotta respect everyone’s beliefs." No, you don't. That's what gets us in trouble. Look, you have to acknowledge everyone's beliefs, and then you have to reserve the right to go: "That is fuckin' stupid. Are you kiddin' me?" I acknowledge that you believe that, that's great, but I'm not gonna respect it. I have an uncle that believes he saw Sasquatch. We do not believe him nor do we respect him!”

“If the standard for being impeached is "getting a blowjob" or "covering up a burglary", then shouldn't Bush have been executed by now?”