Patton Oswalt

"Every time I'm on a TV show, and I have a line, they never say, "Don't say that! At all!" Because I wouldn't; I know you're not supposed to say that. Instead they say: "Can you find a cute, G-rated wa…"

"The night we elected Obama, CNN had holograms. They had fuckin' holograms. We have Star Wars technology now. What if that means Barack is gonna to be the miracle he seems to be? What if this really is…"

"Hey Patton, looks like Paris Hilton's writing a book. And I go, "She's a cunt who should die of AIDS." They go, "Ah ha ha, okay! Hey! All right... um, okay, follow-up question. She's also coming out w…"

"In the middle of Tom Cruise's speech, there's this sudden, dramatic pull-in to his face, and there's tears in his eyes, and he says, "we live in a cynical world," and that's when my brother went, "FUC…"

"When I was 25, all I did was just scream, "Sellout! Fucking sellouts. Corporate sellout. Industry bullshit. Meh-meh-meh." I look back on it and I realized, "oh, I was screaming 'sellout' because nobod…"

"In this age of cynicism, bipartisanship and personal cowardice, it's refreshing to find a group of people willing to die for what they believe."

"If the standard for being impeached is "getting a blowjob" or "covering up a burglary", then shouldn't Bush have been executed by now?"

"You've gotta respect everyone’s beliefs." No, you don't. That's what gets us in trouble. Look, you have to acknowledge everyone's beliefs, and then you have to reserve the right to go: "That is fuckin…"