"I've banged half the girls in this room, and that is fuckin' not true. I haven't banged anyone here. I've put my pinky in your butts, couple of you."

“People ask me what my favorite episode of Full House is; it was the last one!”

“Kids, do not fuck that shit; you'll get an infection.”

“Full House gave me Tourette's. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you can't have a horse in the house--" and, cut! "Cock shit fuck!”

“I don't call her my middle child, I call her my center child, Because the world revolves around her.”

“That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!”

“This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.”