"My first job was selling doors, door to door. That's a tough job isn't it? Bing Bong; Hello, can I interest you in a- oh shit you've got one already haven't you? Well never mind..."

“But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!”

“BB: So, what form did these experiences take?Audience Member: Swimming with dolphins! BB: Dolby? What, you hear everything with a slightly reduced hiss? I like to hear the world in Dolby, it's fantastic! Mind you, it means that no snake will I ever hear. And I said that in a very strange way. No snake will I ever hear, mmm! Never put Dolby on snake detectors, that's what we must remember.”

“Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.”

“Daddy, turn it off, it's spoiling my brain”

“God, I'm in the same studio as de Burgh! He may have stood right where I'm standing now... and just thought his mad thoughts. Like "I am brilliant.”

“It's always been my long-held belief that eventually insects will take over the world.”