"Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."

“It is a business doing pleasure with you.”

“A likely story — and probably true.”

“I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.”

“Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!”

“I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally"? I never said that.”

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.”