"I love homosexuality, I defend it. But I hate faginess, because it's aesthetically unpleasing, the whole "La la la la!" you don't have to do that. I have nothing against Jewish people, I hate Jewiness, the clammy "Nyah nyah nyah, I get all... I'm allergic", personally that's unpleasing. I hate anyone who leads with their sexuality, homo or hetero. If I know your sexuality in the first 30 seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying. Heteros are the same way, if you have naked lady mud flaps or you go "Oh, after your show you want to go to Hooters?" or you just watch the game for the cheerleaders, just go into a basement and jerk off you fucking teenager, 13-year-old, and then come back when we can have a regular conversation."

“If you're offended by any word, in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.”

“Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!”

“Proof of the afterlife is this: if there were no afterlife, how could my mother have bought me and my friends so many nice things from the SkyMall catalogue on her credit card four days after she passed from this Earth? Answer me that, Your Honor! Answer me that! In fact, I'd like to enter these credit card receipts into evidence against the advice of my attorney! That last piece of that story has special meaning to me because in my entire career, that's the only chunk of material I've ever had that had a statute of limitations before I could comfortably tell it on stage. Three year statute for credit card fraud, after that: fuck you.”

“New York is baffling in that it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shit-hole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.”

“With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.”

“Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!”