"People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie."

“I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.”

“Smarmy, plastic, oily, greasy, unctuous, shallow, superficial, old-fashioned, superannuated, crap”

“I've always known that I polarise opinion. Some people respond with enthusiasm and affection. In others, I awaken a lot of hostility.”

“I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.”

“I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.”

“My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.”