"In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing."

Steven Wright Entertainment See all quotes by Steven Wright →

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“A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“Sometimes you cannot hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses.”

“Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.”

“I tried to hang myself with bungie cords. I kept almost dying.”

“I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.”

“It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.”

Resonant Thoughts

"I could heartily wish that you and all others concerned in this sad loss, were more taken up in minding the happy exchange that she hath made, than with your present loss. She hath exchanged earth for…"

— Thomas Brooks (Puritan)

Literature1608–1680

#happiness

"My goal is always again to bring people together. But if I'm forced to fight for something I really care about, I will never, ever back down and our country will never, ever back down. Thank you. I've…"

— Donald Trump

Politics1945

#friendship

"Through it all I learned the value of being humble to the dust, reduced to ashes. Everyone should experience that. Before you can recognize you're somebody, you have to know you're nobody. The butterf…"

— Henry Miller

Literature1891–1980

#life

"In America, we change things that need to be changed. Each generation makes its contribution to our greatness. The work that is ours to do is plainly before us; we don't need to search for it."

— John McCain

Politics1936–2018

#change