"I'm as close to retarded as you can get and still live alone, I'll admit that. If there was an island for retarded people, I would be their king. They would be like "he can cut his own meat, he will lead us!"

“Girls love their showers, they spend like twelve hours in there. I know why too, I read in Cosmo. It said that, "Eighty three percent of all women masturbate in the shower." That's wonderful. I can't masturbate in the shower cause my legs give out and then I rip down the shower curtain. And then my Mom gets mad. And I have to go to bed without dinner. I masturbated in the car once. That's a cry for help. I wouldn't do it again, though, 'cause the cab driver got really pissed off. I was like, "I'm sorry sir, all I saw was the non-smoking sign.”

“Sometimes when I'm eating a blueberry muffin, it's so tasty and delightful, that I think, "Wow, this is better than sex!" And sometimes when I'm having sex I think, "Wow, this is very expensive. I should have just gotten a muffin." Because it's less expensive and you can cut it in half and save some for later. Yes, you can refrigerate your muffins.”